Vincent Buys a Phone

Title: Vincent Buys a Phone
Author: PrincessKairi25
Genre: Humor
Summary: Vincent Valentine attempts to buy a cell phone.
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, Square Enix does.

This is hell. Even Chaos agreed.
"Welcome to Verizon, how may I help you?" a male employee asked in a cheerful tone.
You can help by falling off a cliff, Vincent thought.
"I need a phone," he said quietly.
"Well come right this way sir and I'll show you some of our newest models," the employee said, leading him to a large selection of cell phones.
This was a terrible idea. Tifa was going to pay for sending him here.
"So what do you want to do with your phone?" the employee asked, bringing back his attention. What kind of stupid question is that?
"Call people," Vincent said quietly.
"Yes, but do you want texting, Internet access, games?" the employee asked, trying not to laugh.
Vincent looked down at his claw... Texting?
"Here, why don't you look at this," the employee said, handing him a sleek black phone. "This is the Droid, you can run apps text, and do pretty much anything with it."
Vincent took the phone hesitantly into his hand, there were no buttons. "It's a touch screen sir."
"I knew that," Vincent almost snapped. He tried to calm himself, Chaos was starting to enjoy this. He gently touched the screen with his claw. He heard a sickening crack and saw lines go through the screen, the display flickered before going completely blank.
Chaos was laughing at him.
"Shut up," Vincent muttered under his breath. He handed the dumbfounded employee back the phone "Maybe something a little more durable." The employee just nodded.
They went down a seemingly endless number of phones. Each too complicated or sophisticated for his simple needs. He began to feel the need to bang his aching head against a wall. Chaos was begging him to do so.
"This is one of our older models," the employee told him, holding up a thin black flip phone. He was still so darn cheerful. "It's a Razor, they do your standard stuff, texting, Bluetooth, nothing really special." It was perfect.
"That one's fine," Vincent said, letting out a sigh of relief. It was finally over.
"Are you sure? There's tons of better ones," the employee said hesitantly.
"Yes, I'm sure," Vincent growled. This idiot was really starting to get up his last nerve.
"Alright sir. Now if you could just come over here and we'll get you all set," the employee said, he seemed a little nervous now. Chaos grinned wickedly, he should be.
The employee sat down at a desk, Vincent sat at the opposite end of the desk. The employee brought out a large stack of papers. Oh for the love of Minerva! What more could there possibly be?
"I'm assuming this is your first phone?" the employee asked.
"Yes," Vincent said, clenching his teeth.
"Alright then, this phone comes with a standard two year contract, you can upgrade your phone after that or choose to leave, but for the next two years you will be committed to this company," the employee told him.
Oh joy, commitment. Things could not get any worse. "And you can add a line for a very low price," the employee added. "You look like a guy with a girlfriend."
Chaos laughed again, that ship has sailed. Shut up you pathetic excuse for a demon, Vincent thought, his face began turning red.
"No, I don't need to add a line," Vincent said.
"Alright, would you like a texting plan?" the employee asked.
"No," Vincent said.
"Really, you don't want to text?" the employee probed.
"No," Vincent said, his anger growing.
"Are you sure?" the employee continued.
"Yes I'm sure," Vincent finally snapped. Chaos grinned, adding fuel to his growing anger. Vincent was around the desk before the employee could even respond. He had Cerberus at the employee's head in the same instant.
"I have wasted four hours of my endless life listening to you drone on and on and, quite frankly, I'm tired of it," Vincent growled, cocking the barrel of his gun. Chaos urged him to do it.
"Vincent!" a familiar voice called.
"Cloud?" Vincent asked, loosening his grip on the frightened employee's shirt.
"What are you doing?" Cloud asked.
"I'm not entirely sure," Vincent said truthfully.
You were about to shoot that pain in the neck, Chaos reminded him. Shut up, I remember, Vincent thought.
Cloud chuckled. "Tifa shouldn't have sent you here alone,"
"It's too late for an apology for that," Vincent said. "How do you people take this?"
"Not well," Cloud said with a smirk. "The first time I came here I cut a display in half with the Buster Sword. Tifa punched a woman in the nose, Yuffie was curled up in a ball on the floor, Barret shot a hole through the ceiling, which they still haven't fixed," Cloud said, looking up at a gaping hole that was covered by a tarp. "Don't even get me started on Cid."
"Oh," Vincent said, calming down. He put Cerberus back in it's holster. Chaos grumbled a little.
"You should probably still get your phone," Cloud reminded him.
"I know," Vincent said regrettably.
"Or we could scare the crap out of the employees some more," Cloud said, an evil smile forming on him lips. Vincent grinned ever so slightly, Chaos was enjoying the thought almost as much as he was.